Lauren, Lately

I want to sink my toes into every inch of this Earth.

This has been my dream for as long as I can remember. When I was 20, I had everything mapped out. I wasn’t going to belong anywhere, I was going to belong everywhere.

I had left my apartment and moved in with my dad for the summer to save up money and start my journey across the world. I let the internet know about my plans to see it all and I signed a contract with my heart that I would make this dream come true.

But then life happened….

All sad stories start the same.

I met a boy.

This boy is probably one of the worst things to happen to me in my life- but that’s another story for another day. And to be honest, I’m not even ready to open that up after 10+ years. That one stays in the back of my mind, locked in a basement with no key.

Yup…. Someone needs therapy.

Well, I got caught up in this boy and my dreams of traveling came to a halt. And I mean a dead stop, no movement.

I got pregnant.

The emotions I had at this time are unexplainable. I was somewhere between this enormous love for my baby while simultaneously realizing the future I’d meticulously imagined had disappeared. But I chose life- I chose my baby girl. And the boy was never to be seen again.

I put myself to the side and raised a perfect daughter for years, then a bit after raised a perfect son alongside her.

Same story, different boy.

Tragic.

But I let that itch to see the world come back again.

And when it came back, it came as quick as it had stopped. I waited until the kids were old enough and I was comfortable enough to let them stay with my family for a weekend. And oh my god, how those weekends became some of the best memories.

I went to state after state- some solo, some with friends, some with family. But those solo trips became my identity. I learned how to enjoy my own company, learned how to love and listen to myself. Every trip when I was a bit nervous to board that plane and venture out alone- I told myself “if your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough.”

And so I went.

I got lost in the redwoods, hiked 10 hours to Muir Beach, walked drunkenly to the hotel on Halloweekend in Chicago, watched the ball drop in Times Square. Every place I went, I went as hard as I could.

Family trips became traditions. I started taking my kids to a new state every January with my father and his wife. I wanted them to experience the world with me. Those sweet, precious moments will fill their childhood with so many beautiful memories. It is one of the things I am most proud of myself for as a parent.

Recently, because they are getting older- I have broadened my travels to out of the country.

Fucking amazing.

Paris was the first time I left my home country. And I can’t say enough about this one…. It needs its own story. It truly is so romantic. I found real love here, in every way. I will never ever forget it. It’s engraved into my heart.

And I brought my heart back with me to the US.

We road tripped to New Mexico- which is by far one of the most beautiful sites to see, then to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon- this didn’t even look real to me it was that stunning, and then to Las Vegas as the last stop- what a fucking time with my love.

That road trip was filled with laughter, tears, and a love story that seemed like it was straight out of a movie. I still haven’t left those moments… I get flashbacks daily, a ping in my chest and a knot in my stomach.

Even though that love story ended like a tragedy, I can’t help but hope for it again.

I actually begged for it again…

But mistakes were made, choices were made. And all I’m left with are those flashbacks.

I mean damn, is every chapter this tragic?

Regardless, my dreams don’t stop there. To me, this has only just begun. I am so excited for the future and homesick for places I’ve never been.

So here’s to the next stop!

Where will I go, and what will be the next tragically beautiful story?