I’ve been in different types of love.
We all know the categories. The puppy love, the toxic love, the casual love, and the worst of all- the true love.
My experiences have undoubtedly made me into a runner. When things get serious, I disappear. Not because I want to- but because I have to.
I’m so scared of someone getting to know the real me, and choosing to walk away. The first sign of struggle and I’m already out the door and blocking all avenues of contact.
I know myself. And unfortunately, I care very deeply about what someone thinks of me romantically. I want to be sexy, fun, exciting and carefree forever. Because then they can never say “how it used to be”.
We all know that isn’t how it works…
There are times I’m in a disgusting outfit, eating food I shouldn’t, in bed for more than 48 hours, binge watching a bad reality tv show and unable to use my brain to even form a 3 word sentence.
I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, admit to anyone my chronic state of rotting.
How do you explain to someone you love this feeling?
“Hey babe, please don’t speak to me for 2 weeks. I’m not busy, I just don’t want to.”
That’s been a real relationship ruiner for me.
Most recently, I was in “true love” with the most perfect man. Almost a dream. But I got that feeling again. That get up and get out feeling.
I could feel how comfortable things were getting, and I couldn’t shake that I would soon have to give up this facade of being this hair perfectly placed, wake up beautiful, smile when things get tough type of woman.
And now look, I’m not a liar- I am that woman.
At times.
But there are times I’m not.
And that’s the scary part, that’s the real part. Who I am when things aren’t working out perfectly in my life, when I don’t want to smile, when I truly am on the verge of a mental breakdown at all seconds of the day.
If I show someone that side… they could leave when I’m already not feeling 100%. And that’s MY peace to protect. But I think the walls have started to build up so high, that I’m guarded beyond what’s necessary.
Maybe that is the cause and effect of relationship trauma, getting older and having more experiences (good and bad), or just from being single for too damn long.
Well I ran from that “true love”… and I tried to run back. But what I’ve learned, is you can’t expect everything to be exactly where it was when you left it. People make decisions, people move forward, people choose a different path.
It crushed me.
I had it in the palm of my hand. All i had to do was not let go. Not even for a second.
Well I let go… like a dumbass.
And when I came back and didn’t get the answer I wanted, the outcome I wanted. What did I do?
Ran right back away.
Abort. Block. Delete.
It’s like a fucking muscle spasm. I can’t even control it anymore. I’ve become an expert at going M.I.A involuntarily.
So how do I change this? I really have been sitting with myself on it. How do we stop bad habits? How do we make healthier decisions in relationships?
These are questions I still don’t have the answers to in my 30s. Which feels mildly concerning, but here we are.
So here’s to finding out-
Maybe the scary part was never falling in love.
Maybe it was letting someone stay long enough to know me after the romantic part was over.
Should we face our fears now?
Leave a comment