Lauren, Lately

I’m somewhere between ambition and distraction at the moment.

I’ve poured every ounce of effort and energy into my career for the last week. This is actually the first night I’m not working past 9pm. So unfortunately, the silence is real loud.

At first I thought that I had finally found the flame to my sales fire. And I absolutely did.

But not in the way that I was expecting.

I thought money would be the motivation. And in some ways it is, because I have goals to hit and dreams to make come true. There are things I want for my life that truly rely on the amount of money I’m making. But that isn’t the main source that is pushing me to keep going.

It’s avoidance.

I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to yearn. That feeling in my stomach when the call ends, when my mind opens up to something other than work… that’s what is keeping me going.

I really did a shit job this year in almost every aspect of my life. I let myself go, I made bad decisions, I hurt people that mattered, and I pushed away anything good because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. This was one of the hardest years of my life. And what’s crazy is I waited for this year for so long. I told myself that 31 was going to be my golden year, the one that changed everything for the best.

But it wasn’t, and it didn’t.

That’s what makes after business hours so deafening- because I have to sit with that void and disruption I made. My mind just replays all of those beautiful memories that I walked away from. Like a never ending highlight reel I can never relive.

Now I genuinely enjoy my job, I found my niche and passion. I love sales and I was absolutely meant for it. The competition, the high adrenaline, everyone talking shit and making big money. We all are here for the same thing, to be successful. It’s what’s behind the drive that makes us different. Our why. And I could sit here all day and say it’s to give my children an amazing life, to travel, to never experience financial stress, to set myself up for the future. And I wouldn’t be lying, those things are true.

But that isn’t the fire. It’s just what the fire creates after it burns.

The fire is that feeling I get when that call ends. When there’s no more problem to solve for someone else. When there’s no sale to close, and it’s still there lingering. Just waiting for a moment to rush to the front of my mind. And I’m flooded with grief of all of the things that could’ve been.

I worked so hard to get to where I am now. How do I see the happiness I’m creating while letting go of the happiness I had?

I wanted freedom, I have it.

I wanted independence, I got it.

I wanted to build my own life, I did it.

But even though I ended up with everything I wanted, it doesn’t erase losing what I found I needed.

The pockets are full, but the heart is empty.

So here’s to building a life I don’t need to distract myself from-

Maybe somewhere between ambition and distraction, I’ll finally learn to sit with the silence instead of trying to fill it.

But what happens when the work day ends?