Thirty one, 2 kids, never been married, single.
I really never thought this would be how life would end up for me- but I think secretly the people around me always knew I wouldn’t end up with a traditional story. The plots have been thick, the choices were usually wrong, and the questionable decisions could be the main character.
I love a good chaotic moment that turns into a beautiful chapter. I fiend for it. I thrive off of rollercoaster emotions and a rainbow of obstacles. I’m THAT girl who always comes around with the most unhinged stories from the last time we spoke. At this point, even I’m surprised by me.
The thing is- I imagined a normal traditional life for myself, but I’ve always been drawn to the unpredictable. So naturally, it’s become a series of tragically cinematic experiences. Sometimes I forget how crazy things get, until I watch someone’s face as I’m casually telling them about a season in my life that has passed. And then I’m left to wonder, does it ever get quiet?
I answer my question almost immediately every time. Because when it does get quiet, I get bored.
I’ve discovered I need constant stimulation to feel something. I can’t sit still, I can’t be silent, I can’t just be. And trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve pictured the soft life, the gentle femininity and stability. But deep down… I’m just wildly untamed and restless. A bird whose wings can’t be clipped. I’ve never been particularly good at staying grounded.
The trouble starts when I mistake freedom for having no boundaries. I’ve learned enough along the way to know where the line is, but sometimes I get so close to the edge- I’m bound to fall off. And this is where I usually cling to someone to prevent me from falling. And then I’ve entered the next climactic moment that turns into self healing for another 6 months after I realize it wasn’t what I wanted.
The predictable break up.
I constantly need saving, when I don’t want a savior. Constantly wanting freedom, until freedom feels like falling. But if I want this traditional life, a romantic partner, to settle down- why do I run from it? Is this truly what I want?
I don’t have this answer yet. I don’t know this woman yet.
This theme in my life of contradictions has consumed me with questions about what I really want. I’ve made countless vision boards over the years with the same concept- but my heart tugs me in the opposite direction. Maybe I’ve been creating these boards for the woman I think I should become, rather than the woman I actually am.
Because I wouldn’t trade the life I have now for the one I imagined.
I love being a single mom. I love running around the house playing mommy monster, I love being silly and able to be my complete self with my kids. There’s no pressure to parent how someone else wants to, there’s no awkwardness because mommy and daddy are fighting. And quite frankly, I can’t picture anyone else at the dinner table. This is my little family. My most prized treasure and greatest reward.
I also dont have a problem with being single. There is peace in solitude. I make my own decisions without worrying it will upset someone else. I don’t get scared that I will hold someone else back because I want to choose a different path. I have moments of loneliness. But a night out on the town dressed to the nines with friends, reminds me that there are other connections to be thankful for. Love is everywhere- who says it has to be given by a man? Maybe I’m just meant for romantic chapters. It doesn’t have to be the entire book.
We create these milestones and vision boards before we even get to know ourselves. What makes us happy, what makes us feel alive, what makes us content. I continue to learn something new about myself, and what I wanted in the past may not be what I want now.
The life I envisioned at 13 years old doesn’t align with who that little girl grew up to be- and that’s okay. Because she still found a life worth loving.
So what else do I have in store for myself?
What else isn’t on my vision board?
You’ve heard mine, now tell me yours