How Long Is Too Long?

I have a willingness to wait for far longer than I should.

When a relationship or “situationship” ends, I hang on for longer than I’d like to admit. I convince myself that eventually, we’ll find our way back to each other. That somehow, everything will be exactly as we left it.

But we never do.

Or atleast we haven’t yet…

My feelings remain intact, the memories stay fresh, and I continue to long for someone who has said “no.” In other words, I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in fate, true love, and the possibility that two people can find their way back to each other. Even when all odds are against it, I cling to the maybe. I keep asking myself why I’m willing to put my life on hold without even knowing if I’m on hold. Do I attach myself to words, promises, and feelings that were only meant for the moment? To me, if you say intimate things, they must be true. How could someone just change their mind?

I need answers.

I’ve explained that my feelings and actions contradict each other before- and this is a big one for me. When someone is available, I run. When they become unavailable, I attach. It’s like I can’t just sit still and settle. I have to spice it up, create a plot, experience heavy emotions, and then realize I wanted what I lost.

I have constant flashbacks and pings in my stomach. I daydream about times spent together, little moments like I’m flipping through a photo book. I mean truly, it makes me sick sometimes. How could I have fucked things up so badly, when I feel the way I do about them? I keep little things of theirs just to remember what it meant.

Reminders of what could’ve been…

Or what still could be.

My door stays cracked.

Now it’s not like I’m sitting around depressed and can’t move forward in my life. My life stays busy, moving, and exciting. And I may casually go on a date here or there. But it just never feels the same. I compare when I know it isn’t fair to the person sitting across from me. And then I completely disconnect because I would rather wait, than build on something new. This is where I think I need to evaluate what’s romantic and what’s actually healthy.

At some point, I may need to accept that this person may be a part of my story without ever returning to it. Just a small, beautiful chapter.

So why is it so hard to just end it there? There is something inside of me that just wishes someone will love me enough to come back despite my mistakes. Because those mistakes are part of my story too. I don’t want to close the book on the possibility of that future we pictured. It meant something to me. It changed something in me. I just needed more time to realize that…

But it was enough time for them to accept their future without me in it.

So here’s to learning when to let go.

I know I can’t make someone come back. I just haven’t quite figured out how to stop hoping they will-

But how long is too long?