Somewhere Between The Playground And Last Call

My kids will never know how “cool” I am.

As a brand new single mom at 21, I knew motherhood would change my entire life. But I didn’t believe it had to erase the woman I was before that positive test.

Having children has never kept me from living my life. I have always put them first, but I always was right behind that. I know myself, and I would not be happy assuming a role that I wasn’t meant to be casted as. I’m a rainbow, a rollercoaster, the wind in your hair. I was meant for an incredible storyline that made jaws drop when told. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

I remember being so happy to become a mother. I never had that feeling of being scared to lose my life. Because to me it was really never an option. My daughter was also an absolute angel and that first baby bounce back needs to be studied. I was going through hell in my romantic life with her father. But when his story in our lives came to an abrupt end- I had the chance to just enjoy my baby girl and learn what it truly meant to become a mom. There were tough times, but that was just early 20s being its classic unoriginal story of falling down and getting back up again.

And again.

I remember having the best time as a waitress at a steakhouse, going to the bars after work, creating friendships and falling for boys who weren’t worth it. That first little apartment of ours that I got to decorate her nursery and feel independent as a woman. Slow mornings and first words and memories I will never forget with my girl.

I was helping her grow up while I was growing up.

And there’s just magic in that, it’s unexplainable.

Now I did fuck it up at one point.

Very Lauren.

I met this guy… and really I could let that be the whole story because I don’t think he deserves a single word. But somewhere in that very small and annoying chapter-

I got pregnant.

I’m pro choice, and I had chosen to just forget the whole thing and dip all the way out. But the law had a different plan. Abortion had become illegal in Texas 2 weeks prior. What great timing for me. So I thought okay… let me just try this and see if things change with the one who deserves no words. I thought maybe it was a sign to stay and become domesticated or something.

Absolutely the fuck not.

I was out of there as soon as my son was born. I just remember sitting on the couch one day watching a football game with my son in my arms, my daughter at my feet- and I was happy if it just ended right there. But it didn’t, because the man on the other side of the couch didn’t make me happy. I just kept thinking to myself, “is this it?”

So I left.

And let me tell you… I had the best late 20s. I mean some of my favorite years so far are in there. Unmatched in so many ways. I got us a house, a new car, I solo travelled, had an amazing nanny, amazing career, great nights out with friends, started family traditions, got close to my sister. Everything felt so right. I truly got to experience finding myself in every way possible. I even had a little casual love moment in there with a young bartender who turned out to matter more to me than I thought he would. (Another story for another post.) I wouldn’t change a single thing about the way things turned out. It was perfect.

I felt like at one point, my family was so worried that I would become this shell of a person, that I would be swallowed whole by the responsibility of raising 2 children alone. But I beat the odds. I became everything I wanted to become. I did everything I wanted to do. And I love those kids more than anything on this entire planet. I was blessed to become their mother, and I’ll spend my life proving it to them.

But I’ll also spend my life loving me.

So here’s to being the “cool” mom-

The mom who is somewhere between the playground and last call.

Was I ever really supposed to choose between the two?