Lauren, Lately

I’m a permanent damsel in distress. A hopeless romantic, who runs from romance.

Just a walking contradiction at this point.

I’ve always known that I have zero self control. I do things I know I shouldn’t, I say things I know don’t need to be said. And I’ve chalked it up to just being me.

But is that excuse preventing me from finding a healthy relationship?

Absofuckinglutely.

As you get older, you think you’ll grow out of certain habits and qualities- but the evidence of my love life has proven otherwise. I have remained constant with an unhealthy attachment/communication style that I don’t even like to have.

And it’s not like I don’t tell myself that the next time I’ll be better.

I do.

But then I just behave the same and expect a different outcome. I expect my partner to just deal with it and love me anyways.

To sum it up- I’m selfish.

I don’t like some of the qualities I’ve acquired over the years. And if I was treated in some of the ways I act and react- I would be leaving too.

So why do I think I deserve to be kept?

I’ve dated men younger than me who call out my age, say I’m immature. Of course they put it nicely… but painfully truthfully. I’ve been told I’m being unreasonable or irrational, more times than I’d like to admit. It’s always “you’re attractive, but this is too much for me”.

I guess the hott ones really are crazy.

This isn’t an easy post for me. To acknowledge my wrongs. But I think it’s necessary to right them. So I guess this is the first step.

I act completely disinterested and disconnected to get a reaction or manipulate an outcome. This one really pisses me off. Because I know what I’m doing, and I know I shouldn’t be doing it- but I do it anyways. Sometimes I’ll get to a point of self control for a moment, I’ll tell myself to stop and let it go. I’ll feel proud even. And then as a reward….

I fucking do it.

For example, if things are going really well- but I don’t get a text back in the timeframe I think is acceptable (immature I know), I will overthink and obsess and then completely disengage and disconnect. Because then I know they’ll start texting, double texting, calling, wondering what changed, questioning themselves. For me, in my whacked out way of thinking- this means they’ve proven they liked me and were just busy and didn’t have a moment to send me a text back right away. A normal person would’ve just known that from the jump right?

But I have to test, prove, solve every action or lack of action.

It’s honestly tiring. Not just for me, but for the person on the other end as well. It really needs to be stopped.

My most recent situation is what has prompted me to really evaluate myself and make a change.

I ran back to a lover for a second chance to make things right. I had chosen to ask for distance to take care of some personal things in my life. And after about a month, he checked in and I maintained my decision to ask him to fall back and move forward in his life.

I hurt this person terribly- but I didn’t mean to. I truly just didn’t have the capacity for a serious relationship in that moment because of everything going on around me. I stand by that. I needed that time, and things ended well for me in other aspects of my life because of it.

As soon as the storms had cleared and I had space to continue building what we had started- I came back around with the most generic “how are you doing? I was thinking about you” text.

How original.

Unfortunately, I came to find out he was doing better than I thought and had found someone else. He had formed healthy habits, gave up bad habits, and started seeing a future with another woman. I was 2 weeks too late.

The timing makes me sick.

At first, I congratulated- said I would respect his newly forming relationship and that I was happy for him. A complete lie. But I myself, didn’t know I was lying yet. Because just like before, I found a moment of self control. Felt proud. Then just completely shit on the entire moment of maturity and disturbed everyone’s peace.

I started frantically finding a reason to talk- asking for a call, where do I send your things, can we be friends, why do things have to change… it slowly transformed into the saddest rejection I’ve ever experienced. For both ends. The relationship ending was heavy for the both of us. He didn’t realize I would ever come back, I didn’t realize how hurt I would be that it wasn’t an option. My skewed, desperate mind just wouldn’t stop coming out of my mouth. A 2 hour video call filled with my feelings being disrespectfully poured out, and I was left hung up on, dressed up in the city, tears down my face, ordering a bottle of wine to myself.

So now, there is never a chance that maybe we could’ve spun the block and tried again.

Now I get to wonder what the outcome would’ve been if I had just ended things at the fake ass congratulations, hope the best.

Now… I’m blocked.

The next morning, I KNEW things had to change. I had to change. This was all from my doing. From my mistakes, my choices.

I don’t want to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. At some point, I have to learn.

From this moment on, I will stop. If it doesn’t need to be done, it won’t be. If it doesn’t need to be said, it won’t be. This is thirty something- learning from a situation and applying it to the next. Does it mean that the next will be perfect? No. But it atleast means it won’t end up the same way as all the others. With me on a block list and a do not contact where my name should be.

So here’s to becoming a learner, not just a yearner.

Will I finally gain some self control?