Lauren, Lately

I’ve been waiting for October 1st for months. Actually begging for it.

And today it came, with all of its glory… or lack thereof.

I’ve been seeing this day as the end of months’ worth of every imaginable type of stress there is. And it started with a silent house and raindrop tears while I stood paralyzed in my hallway. Fitting almost too perfectly with the weather today- nothing but storms and grey skies. Life is real funny that way.

This wasn’t just any sob fest. It was the type of cry where you look up and try so hard not to blink, and the tears fall like perfect little droplets onto your shirt, not even touching your cheeks.

Hooray, at least my makeup wasn’t ruined.

Was that the only sign of my glass being half full?

I actually had to look up breathing exercises to pull my stomach up out of my ass.

Well, I guess this is thirty-something…

You work hard, you play hard, you love hard- and it still isn’t what you thought it’d be like.

Now, I’m not a complete pessimist. There were great moments. There’s always a rainbow after a good storm. That’s pretty much my entire life story. But it’s hard not to wonder if the storms will ever cease and you’ll get to the point of just enjoying sunshine and roses.

So far, my experiences prove otherwise.

My son started pre-K today, and it was my first day back at work in a very long time.

I took a two-year hiatus from employment. I just got burnt out trying to do everything. It started out as just a few weeks, which turned into a few months, then a year passed, and I really just got stuck in the routine of mom life.

Now here I am, two years later, starting my career over from scratch.

I’ve stayed in one industry since my mid-20s, and it was really good to me. Too good to me. It enabled me to give up on long-term financial goals and just float around, living off dopamine hits and bad decisions.

It’s hard to give that high up.

And today I realized I was giving up a life I had been living for far too long, but one that I had become comfortable in. I was hit with the harsh reality that starting my career again meant responsibility again.

I’m having to relearn how to rely on myself. To be accountable. To stay at the damn desk.

I lasted maybe three hours at that desk today, then went to take an hour-long nap.

The 9–5 is brutal… but in my industry, it’s more like 9–9.

Sales is an incredible thing. Addicting, fast-paced, competitive, prosperous.

But where the hell is my fire?

I keep waiting for something to light the flame again.

Looks like all I’m left with today is impatience, disappointment, and an online shopping cart I’m not proud of.

So where does that leave me- or lead me?

Well, it led me to spending four hours creating an online blog. Just another thing to try and keep myself accountable.

Maybe if I document my life, I can start romanticizing it. Sometimes, if you put something beautifully, it changes the way you see it.

Like wow, I just transformed crying and almost throwing up this morning into a poetic piece of writing.

Love that.

Or maybe I’m just tired of holding it all in and need a creative outlet. I’m not so sure at this moment… in fact, I’m not so sure in any moment of my life.

So here’s to the next chapter.

Are you still with me?